Discover...

I think I am beginning to discover a lot about myself as I grow up (or older) and I become more secure in motherhood if not much else. I never pondered questions about me and what I wanted or how I felt about things until I got dumped on my head with postpartum depression. Before that I felt secure in who I was and how I was perceived -but all of that is gone now.

I lost a lot -not just in myself -but in friends, in reputation, in respect and in esteem. People don’t give broken people more work, more opportunities, or more grace. They give them more space, more distance, and more briskness.

I am discovering that even as I feel better – I keep getting knocked down with perceptions, comments and pre-determined ideas -that I have cemented in the last two years of struggle.

I am trying to discover -if I can come back from this -or am I locked into this new broken person. Will I be handled with kid-gloves or dismissed for what I can bring to the table forever? Is this my punishment for not being mentally healthy?

Or can I discover a new person, better than the old, who knows who she is, what she brings to the table and what she can also say NO to? Can I discover a new balance of the person I want to become as a good mother, a good employee and a good friend?

That is yet to be discovered….