Is your shiny ordered outside covering a mess on the inside?

Recently, Clara asked me for a snack. Seeing this shiny apple on the counter i said I would cut it for us to share. As I did, it became a quick reminder of the shiny order I once presented to the world, even my closest friends while my life wasn't what I wanted on the inside.

My life was in chaos but I felt I had it under control and it was ok if i crashed at 7:30 pm when the kids did or I barely had the emotional energy to get out of bed in the morning. If my devotional life was reduced to the verse of the day I got by email. I thought that even though my life on the inside looked more like the inside of the apple -I was still doing ok if I no one else needed anything or if someone didn't dig too deep.

But eventually an inside that looks like this - starts to show on the outside.

Chaos is inevitably linked to creation of new things -Danielle Strickland

Chaos is uncontrollable, unpredictable and scary. Most of us would like our lives to be very predictable. But in that predictability – are we missing God’s great plan for our lives? In our safety of perfect family, career, lifestyle etc., is it a partial version of what God really wants for us? Are we trading that safety for the daily relationship with Him because we are worried what His Divine order for our lives may be?

Matthew 23:27 – You have become like whitewashed tomb, which look beautiful on the outside but on the inside are full of dead men’s bones and everything unclean. (or I would add a shiny apple with a rotten core)

Easy to convince yourself there is control to your ordered lives-but really you can’t be in control – if it is your ORDER is just a veneer – it is masking anxiety, depression, control issues, financial issues, worry, self-doubt, marital problems, baggage you can’t let go of, addiction, insecurity, I could go on and on. Let our ordered lives confess those burdens to Him for His perfect peace.

Unfortunately the nature of the life, we have created as humans is chaotic and the more we try to control our lives the more our anxiety grows. I know, I want my life to fit in this box of perfect Christ follower, loving mother, giving wife, available friend, compassionate person but I am human and have fallen short of all those marks. Yes, some days I hit it out of the ballpark in one of those arenas but most days I can’t control all the variables that life throws my way. Embracing the chaos of life can cause real transformation and vulnerability – being honest with those in my life and not hiding behind a veneer is so much easier.

In the last year, I have many times long for a predictable life, my normal life back – for the anxiety, sleeplessness and depression to just be lifted. I have done more than that –I have prayed and begged (sometimes hollered at) God to just remove these issues from my life. Sometimes you have to be propelled by your discomfort –into a new reality. Chaos challenges us to see who is really in control.

Instead of clinging to my ‘order’, I need to let God set the priorities then I am living in His divine order. I need to listen to God’s prompts in my life and to know that I am created for connections with others and listen to His voice to instead of my nagging schedule. Maybe that other mama needs a hug or an offer of coffee and a listening ear. Maybe Clara needs an extra snuggle, instead of that laundry being folded. Maybe I need an afternoon to myself to read or write –without feeling guilty that I should be spending every waking hour that I am not working or sleeping with my little people. Maybe I just need 20 minutes in a quiet place to listen to His still small voice instead of emptying my inbox.

What do you need to let go of today? What chaos do you need admit to and not look at it like such a terrible thing?

*Side note – I have been re-reading Danielle Strickland’s A Beautiful Mess and many of these thoughts come from the prompts in the back of the first two chapters. It is a wonderful book about the difficulties we have of keeping the earthly order that we have imposed on ourselves as humans –but to me especially it seems as mothers. Take a minute to breathe and think of who and where you can bring in some vulnerability that you can’t do it all. If you don’t have someone you can confide to about that, talk to Jesus but finding a person to pour out your heart to is vital as well. We all need those who will groom us along the way.